My life in Macro - The One Year Mark

One year ago today I left the States to begin an epic adventure.  This journey I’ve been on is not the one I envisioned, but has been incredible nonetheless, filled with ups, downs and in betweens.  The first few months of my trip I was so high on life.  Colors seemed brighter, food tasted better, I noticed subtleties like birds chirping or a breeze rolling across my skin and paused to file these moments away so as not to forget them.  I was running around a tropical island, staying in villages, delivering babies and doing all sorts of other crazy, amazing, cool things.  I was living the dream. 

Then, without warning, the high quickly spiraled into a low.  My relationship of over two years ended and this devastation led me to question many other aspects of my life.  I quit my career, which meant I was no longer an interpreter.  I graduated university and was no longer a student.  Without a relationship I was no longer a girlfriend.  I sold most of my belongings and gave up my “home” prior to leaving and was no longer autonomous.  The sanitation project I was supposed to work on never started so I wasn’t a volunteer either.  At one point I could tell you all about who I wasn't, and very little about who I currently was.  This identity crisis came on suddenly and was overwhelming.  It was also difficult to talk about.  At the time I was living in Papua New Guinea and internet was hit or miss.  Skyping was nearly impossible and I couldn’t find the words to write an email home to express how or why I came to be so lost in this quarter-life crisis.  After all, I was on an epic adventure… I couldn’t talk about depression.  I couldn’t talk about how sucky life was because I was in paradise livin’ the dream.  But that dream turned out to be something very different than what I had originally planned and I had to make the best of it. 

Some days making the best of it was easy because amazing things were happening and the distraction provided a brief reprieve from my self-analyzing thoughts.  But those days amazing things weren’t happening (which was more often than not) I was left with those questions about who I was floating around in my brain.  I was lost.  At the time I felt trapped on that small, remote island in the South Pacific with few friends and family, no work or school or tv (and often no internet) to occupy my time.  You can only escape yourself for so long without all the noise of life distracting you.  And thus the search to answer “Who am I?” began.

This soul searching involved hours of journaling and even more hours of thinking.  It was a question I thought I had answered a long time ago, but as it turns out I was choosing superficial life details to define myself.  There are some parts of our identity that are fixed.  I am a daughter.  I will always be Kim and Harry’s daughter.  That can’t be changed.  I am a woman, and though this can be changed I don’t want that and therefore consider it to be a permanent part of my identity.  But there are other parts of my identity that are fluid.  I was an interpreter, but am no longer.  I was a student, and up until 2 months ago I no longer was.  I was in a relationship, but am no longer someone’s partner.  At the time I treated these parts of my life as fixed definitions of who I was. 

Four months of searching and it was time to move to Australia and I still didn’t have this question figured out.  I was still deeply depressed and more lost than I was when the search began.  And still, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it so the “happy, livin’ the dream” facade continued.  And so did my soul searching.  Being in Australia meant distractions like internet and tv, luxuries that don’t always exist in the 3^rd world.  It also meant being around friends and family, which forces you to talk when the whole keeping up appearances thing isn’t working out so well. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, I started to come to terms with all the things I am no longer and moved forward into all the things I am now or want to become.  My New Zealand trip was a turning point, though I’m not entirely sure why.  Perhaps it was being completely alone that created this renewed sense of self.  For the first time in 6 months I felt like I could breathe again.  I felt like this semblance of a happy person that I was pretending to be was actually who I was becoming.  Then it hit me, the answer to my question.  Who am I?  - Whoever the bleep-idy bleep I wanna be!  Followed by the thought, “Really, it took me 6 months of depression to come up with that simple answer?  REALLY?!”  But it was a process and a process I would not have gone through had I not have been on this grand adventure.  Had I not have been in a place that forced me to be alone with my thoughts. Had I not have been in a place where people die from curable illnesses on a daily basis.  Where mothers give birth in hospitals without electricity or running water.  A place where people have nothing by Western standards, and yet they’re genuinely happy and willing to share the little they do have.  Had I not have then gone to a place where I could escape my thoughts and had loved ones to unload my burdens on when I was ready.   A place where I could reconnect with family and friends in ways I was unable to in PNG.  Traveling provided the time and space to reach into the deep recesses of my head and clean out the cobwebs.  It has given me the gift of healing, of rebuilding who I am and figuring out who I want to be.  It is a gift I never would have given myself and for that I am extremely grateful for this past year.  For all of the highs, which I’ve shared along the way, and also for all the lows, which I’ve refrained from sharing because adventures are supposed to be grand, not dreary and depressing.  

This past year has been incredible in many different ways and for many different reasons. I have grown exponentially.  I’m not sure who the person was that boarded that plane one year ago today, but I can tell you she no longer exists.  Experiences shape who you are, and ultimately you are the only one who can define yourself. I am a writer.  I am a student, now and always for my learning does not stop once I leave the classroom. I am part of a family, a very large family that extends far beyond blood.  I am a photographer.  I am a dance in my underwear and sing at the top of my lungs-er.  I am a chef in training.  I am a traveler.  I am a lover of music and a very bad musician.  I am… in the process.

Since my last few months have been centered around self-reflection I thought it’d be neat to review the last year of my life in the same way.  All the pictures below were either taken up close or in macro.  A few of these made it into previous blogs but most are newbees.

CALIFORNIA (the week before I left the US)

PAPUA NEW GUINEA (April 2013 - November 2013)

AUSTRALIA (November 2013 - January 2014)

NEW ZEALAND (January 2014)

AUSTRALIA… again (January 2014 - April 2014)

"If you travel far enough, you'll eventually meet yourself."

Today is my dad's birthday.  (Well, it is in Australia).  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POPS!